Don't get it, never will..Simple Suggestions On How Not To Date..

I've been known to try and try again as far as someone or a relationship is concerned.  This is the sentiment of many women.  We'll exhaust all possibilities until there aren't any left.  Just keep throwing shit up against the wall until something sticks.  This means, gentlemen, that the woman you have won't just walk when things start going bad.  These women are resilient and not easily frustrated.  This is a good thing because y'all put us through some shit.  Pause:  All of the pronouns in these posts are easily interchanged.  I know there are some women out there that will push good men to their limits too.  Quit scoffing--keep reading. Here's the thing about pushing someone to their limit though.  Are you paying attention?  When she's done, SHE'S DONE!  I wish I had a nickel for every time I've been told that someone was done with me and came back in less than a week. I wish I had a dollar for every man th...

It's been a year folks.  I have been single with you guys for 365 days (pretty long relationship by my standards).  That makes almost 6 years of singality on the calendar.  I'm no closer to finding a man than when I started writing this blog.  Yes, my friends, I am still failing.  Don't get me wrong, I've had some close calls.  I did some things in the past year that I didn't think that I would ever do.  I've made some progress, but for every step forward, I've taken a different one back.  Why the hell is this still a learning process for me?  Am I retarded?  Last year, I brought you two very important blogs.  "Cuffin' 101" and "The Starting Five."  If you didn't read those two blogs, go back and get hip right now.  Go ahead, I'll wait.  The Five is no more.  They dropped off one by one, and every time I tried to replace one of the bastards, the replacements started fucking up too.  I, literally, ...

I have noticed a very alarming trend as of late.  I'll get to that in a second, but first a story.  Pretty girl goes to bar.  Guy notices pretty girl and wants to talk to her.  Guy buys girl a drink and starts conversation.  Girl drinks drink and carries on conversation with guy.  They get to know each other enough to know that they want to continue conversation.  They exchange information.  This used to be the way of the world.  Now I know the economy is bad.  Men just can't be out here buying all the pretty girls drinks all willy nilly.  Let's be real though--how the hell do you expect to keep pretty girl's attention with, well, nothing.  WHY DON'T MEN BUY DRINKS AT THE BAR ANYMORE? Now, I ain't saying I'm a gold digger, and anyone who knows me knows I'm not the type to be in someone's pocket.  Pause:  Men, let any chick in your pockets, and she will help you spend your money.  That doesn't make ...

I have been told that I can be intimidating by several individuals until I open my mouth.  I guess it takes me to start speaking for people to realize how un-bougie and down to earth I really am.  Most men won't take the time to converse with someone who might reject them, so my fear is that I could be missing out on my Prince Charming because he is too afraid to approach me.  To combat this, I smile often, I try to talk to everyone, I try to be personable with everyone I meet.  I don't want anyone to think I'm standoffish. GOTSA BE MORE CAREFUL!! Why the hell do I attract THE most broken and abnormal individuals?  Do I look like Captain Save 'Em?  I went to Louisiana for a week a couple of weeks ago.  I didn't go there to sight see or even man watch (I did a little of both).  I went there to support the homie Sherlock and chill with the other homie code name, Dark Chocolate (D.C. from here on out).  It was hot in Louisiana, clearly...

Love should be the perfect balance between subject and object.  "Not to throw the word around, I just miss the sound." --B. Lowery Pause:  Before I say another word, I want y'all to know that no where in this post will I give advice.  I'm single--you would be a fool to take relationship advice from someone who doesn't succeed at relationships (#76 told me my relationship pitch was terrible).  Instead, what I will give you is my take on the topic.  Hopefully, this epiphany will help someone besides me.  Love is a word that gets thrown around way more than it's actually felt.  Love isn't linear.  You can't put it on a time line on love, it happens when it happens.  It's cyclical; it starts in one place and never really ends.  It's energy.  It evolves and changes over time.  If it's done right, it's so thick--it's tangible when you walk into the room.  There's two sides to loving someone, there's the objective side ...

This is a story of #24 and how terrible he was in bed.  We all have an oops.  You know, that guy or girl who made it past the first cut for no real reason.  The one who had nothing to offer but charisma and conversation.  #24 had no real sex appeal but managed to make it past the "Rule of 2."  He was immature and got on my last nerves!  I blamed it on his age, but still there was something calming about him.  Pause:  We all have positive attributes somewhere under there.  But this nigga was terrible in bed!  I mean, from top to bottom, from foreplay to climax (his, not mine clearly) he sucked! You know how when you're getting to know someone intimately, you take some time to learn how to touch them.  You try this and that to figure out what they like and don't like.  I should've known right then.  When a man can't even begin to give a proper back rub or even a proper back scratch, they are going to wor...

I just fell upon a very interesting conversation.  Someone posed a question:  Is not telling the entire story the same as lying in a relationship? My answer:  Well heavens, no!  It's something completely different.  You can't look back and say I lied to you about being over my Ex's house if it's something that was never discussed. However, what is that saying about the relationship if you're omitting information?  Pause:  Look up the word relationship in the dictionary.  Go ahead, look the shit up!  Society and the majority would have you believe that a relationship includes the romantic involvement between two people.  Yes, this is one of the definitions--not the only definition though.  A relationship can be defined simply as a connection, an association, or an involvement with another person.  Keep that in mind.  I agree that some people don't need all the information that is available. ...

Disclaimer:  I won't lie to you guys and say that this post isn't coming from an angry place.  I'm hurting, and any writer knows that this is a writer's therapy (this is why we don't need black couches).  Once again, I'm inside of my 72 hours. This is not advice!  Single people shouldn't take advice from other single people, especially one who hasn't had a successful relationship yet.  Consider this a list of definitions. "I'm in love with you" Of all the phrases that I've heard, this is the most clear, cut and dry.  You can't mistake this one.  If someone tells you that they are in love with you, it means you have migrated to the center of their world and their heart.  They need you.  They don't want to continue without you (whether they have to or not).  They will never forget you.  They don't remember how is was to not have you in their lives. I don't like to put a time limit o...

Ok friends, let's talk about oral sex.  If you have been keeping up with the blog, then you know that I think oral sex is an integral part of sex and intimacy.  What I have run into, frankly, is a bunch of men who don't know what the hell you're doing down there.  Pause:  This post is just an expansion on another blog that I have read on the subject recently and things that I have learned from the Darling Dr. Nikki Ransom.  If you haven't already, check out my home girl, Niqui's blog post http://dearniqui.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-three-c.html  and subscribe to Nikki Ransom-Alfred' s YouTube channel.  First let's start with the ladies--there are some things that you need to do to make it so that your partner wants to go down below.  We need to have regular maintenance.  I prefer to be bald down there, and the men that I date typically prefer for it to be bald as well.  Not everyone is the same.  I have heard some men say tha...

I haven't written a story about a number in a while.  This story is the one story that I thought I would never tell.  This is the story of #61 and the scarlet letter he wore.  Pause:  One of my friends, code name messiah, said that he read my blog, and he could see the therapy in it.  Anyone who writes will tell you there's a small amount of therapy inside of every blog, poem or story.  I am rarely ashamed of anything I do.  Even when I am slightly embarrassed, I write it down anyways, and that has always proved to be the best policy for me.  This is the one story that I whisper instead of screaming from the mountain tops.  This is the story about which I pray, and the story that I beg karma not to seek revenge.  I had an affair with a married man.  I'm going to give you the scenario, and reasons as to why and how this happened.  In no way, shape, or form are my actions excusable, but there's a story involved noneth...

Cutters are people who self-inflict pain to make them feel good.  I will call them several things throughout this post:  gluttons for pain, chronic bleeders, and, of course, idiots. I don't mean to disrespect a mental disorder, but I don't understand this.  Why would you want to ruin yourself at the hands of yourself?  I know that emotions cloud regularly 20/20 vision, but where the hell does your logic go?  You want to hurt yourself over and over again?  What the hell does that fix?  Do you really feel better after you see blood?  I have talked recently about how women (and men) need to stay away from those individuals who are no good for them.  The ones that are poison.  This post is about the people who see poison and keep sampling as if the poison will one day change to ambrosia.  Pause:  I don't believe that people change, the way you are now is the way that you will be (especially if you have hit 30).  Sit...

Yes, I am about to talk about penises, and yes, I'm going to throw some numbers around.  Contrary to the saying, size DOES, in fact, matter.  Relax gentlemen, it's not the most important thing in the world, but this is very important.  There are some very important things to take into consideration. If your penis is small:  I like big guys, so I have a tendency to run into this a lot.  I'm not tripping, the dudes can still smash some walls down.  You have to be cognisant of position, position is everything for the men with innies.  You can't just be laying down on top of me with your big ass.  I'm pretty sure we can all agree that it's a man's goal to hit "the back."  No worries, you can get there guys with innies, you just have to be a little clever (#68, I want you to pay close attention to this.  I'm not trying to put you on blast, I just want you to know that you weren't getting it.  You can do better than just pound pou...

Since I have started this blog, people constantly feel the need to tell me about myself.  The most resounding complaint is that I am always talking shit about the men out here in the world.  Yes, I do, but I don't make these things up.  For every 2 men that come up to me and feel like I have gone in on them, I have 11 females high-fiving me telling me how real the shit is that I post here.  If you feel a certain type of way about the shit that I post, ask yourself why before you go ham sandwich on me.  Pause:  Speaking of ham sandwich (yes, I'm hungry), I recently learned that #75 went all the way in on me and my homie on his FB page because he finally read the post that included him (say what you want about me--leave my friends out of it).  He was mad Bro!  I don't really care what was said; he's a non-factor in life...period.  I say this only to illustrate the fact that if you don't want to get talked about negatively, do better.  ...

Why do we do it to ourselves ladies (and gentlemen for that matter)? Why do we set ourselves up to get hurt?  To fall for the okie doke?  To be bamboozled, hoodwinked, and flat out fooled? Why do we even fall for these silly men (and women)? Pause:  I don't want this post to sound like the angry black woman in me venting about how there are no good men in the world.  I, myself, have run into some great ones.  This post is about the wrong ones that we can't seem to leave alone.  Love is a complex emotion to say the least.  I'm going to try to leave love out of this equation that I'm about to create for two reason:  1. Love has to run it's course (we decide how long the course is).  2. Someone who loves another person cannot be reasoned with and I'm not about to try.  But as far as these crushes are concerned, y'all hoes better start listening.  Some of these men are all wrong.  Let's start with men in other re...

Internet dating has been a fun ride for me.  I can't say that I would suggest it; it requires more patience than I can afford lately.  It is, however, a great conversation piece.  So I got on the website called Plenty of Fish.  The premise behind the website is that their are plenty of fish in your area.  I'm still on there if anyone would like to look me up.  I probably won't date you though.  Pause:  I didn't get on the site strictly for blog material.  I got on their to get a date.  This was right after my elimination of the Starting Five.  I was well aware of what I was getting myself into, though (I thought).  Within mere hours of posting a few pictures of myself and a simple profile, my inbox was boasting more than 50 messages.  It was overwhelming--in a bad way.  Men are aggressive in person, they are down-right raunchy over the internet.  I have had more offers for dick from ugly people in 2 ...

I am a grown ass woman, and in some ways, very old fashioned.  I believe that children are children and adults are adults.  Short of putting my hands on someone else's child, I believe that children should be watched and disciplined if necessary.  If my kids are out in public and misbehaving, I would expect someone to say something to them, and, at bare minimum, say something to me about what happened.  It takes a village to raise a child.  Keep all that in mind.  I also come from a time (or maybe just a long drawn out relationship) where the new woman never liked the old one.  The hate was automatic.  In hindsight, I think it was a way of posturing.  Letting the old woman know, "I am here now!  I am his woman now!  I am breaking news, and you are the yesterday's sales ads!"  I blame mass media and the times for this.  Movies like Love and Basketball , Love Jones , The Wood , and even further back like Boomerang...

This blog post comes from a conversation that I had with another female.  She asked me if I would consider myself bisexual.  I started this blog because I wanted to prove that the situations that I go through are not uncommon.  I wanted you guys to laugh.  I want to be unafraid and unashamed.  Here goes nothing.  This is the story about #101--my first female conquest.  Pause:  I am not about to make this pornographic.  So to all of my male readers, put the lotion away and get your hands out of your pants.  I think women are attractive--beautiful even.  While a committed relationship with a woman doesn't appeal to me, a woman's body does. Pause:  Women are emotional creatures by nature.  I can't even stand my own damn emotions half the time.  I sure as hell don't want some other emotional ass broad trying to be with me.  I have seen women that I want to touch or maybe just let my imagination run circ...

I make every effort to not lie to my kids.  I think that when it comes to dating, lies pour like vodka in my cup.  Pause:  For those of you scoffing because I'm talking about vodka in the same sentence as my children at 930 in the morning, go to hell.  I don't like for my kids to know that I am dating unless it actually affects them--I can't think of too many situations where they will be or were actually affected.  Unless I am moving in or bringing someone special around them, they don't need to know what I do when I leave the house at night or with whom I am doing it.  Even if they happen to catch me with someone that I am dating, I have enough male friends to disguise the fact that this is someone with whom I may be intimate.  The word of the day is "friend."  My daughter is oblivious; my son is a little more receptive to the chemistry between me and someone else.  Remember this--it will be important. Now I have dated som...

Crunch and munch was a term we used back in high school to refer to cunnilingus.  It's funny how this applies today.  This is the story of #12, and how he tried to chew my clitoris off!  I'm never too old for a lesson.  I always like to say something nice about the numbers because I wouldn't be talking to them if they didn't have some admirable qualities.  For what it's worth, #12 was one of the sweetest guys that I have dated recently.  He is valiant, courteous, and very respectable.  He's sweet, thoughtful, and was very willing to give time.  He buys flowers ladies, for no reason (awesome). He will make someone extremely happy.  As long as she doesn't like to kiss or receive oral sex.  This is another case of "the younger man," or at least some variation of it.  Pause:  I will never learn.  I really try not to make age an issue, but shit like this always happens.  Age is about to become an issue. New Rul...

I've stayed away from this topic for a couple of reasons.  Primarily, my children aren't involved in my dating very much.  They almost never meet the men that I am dating/sleeping with.  I mean, for what?  Most of them don't last long enough for me to even mention them to the kids, let alone lay eyes on them.  Nonetheless, the children do exist, and honestly they complicate the situation.  A relationship, a real one, comes with strings and attachments.  I am the equivalent of a package deal.  I don't have a problem with it, but I can see why and how men do.  That's not what I'm here to talk about today though. I'm here to talk about the shenanigans that I have had to endure in my 5 years of singality and the bitchassedness that I have to endure with #29.  At the risk of sounding conceited, I was the best thing that ever happened to #29.  He spent a lot of time trying to get me back.  Pause:  I really don't give t...

Gather around everyone, I would like to tell you a story.  Times, they are a changing!  I remember many years ago when what we refer to as a side chick used to be called a home wrecker.  These tramps used to walk around on the down low, never telling anyone what they did when no one was watching.  To be caught with a home wrecker was devastating to your relationship.  If it didn't end it, then it scarred it for the rest of its duration.  Today, side chick is a common term.  Men refer to side chicks like it's a necessity in a relationship, and women wear the brand with pride.  "Yeah, that's my boo!  He's got a girl, but I'm his side piece.  He loves me too."  0_o You may be appalled right now, but don't scoff. The truth in the matter is that women rule the world, and ultimately the direction that a relationship takes (I use the term relationship lightly). I used to be a side chick, skipping and happily accepting the te...