Who does that??
This is a story of #24 and how terrible he was in bed.
We all have an oops. You know, that guy or girl who made it past the first cut for no real reason. The one who had nothing to offer but charisma and conversation.
#24 had no real sex appeal but managed to make it past the "Rule of 2." He was immature and got on my last nerves! I blamed it on his age, but still there was something calming about him.
Pause: We all have positive attributes somewhere under there.
But this nigga was terrible in bed! I mean, from top to bottom, from foreplay to climax (his, not mine clearly) he sucked!
You know how when you're getting to know someone intimately, you take some time to learn how to touch them. You try this and that to figure out what they like and don't like. I should've known right then. When a man can't even begin to give a proper back rub or even a proper back scratch, they are going to worthless in bed. Go ahead and test the formula if you need to bump your own head. You'll be disappointed.
So, fast forward past the failure of a back rub. Let's get to the head. Y'all should know by now that I really love oral sex. Giving or receiving, it's my favorite part of sex. So I started to suck his underwhelming penis. Yeah you heard me. I don't judge though, even the little ones can pack a punch if you know what you're doing.
I got a little excited when he was like, "Turn that around and put it on my face." Music to my damn ears. Yes #24, yes I will. I wish that I wouldn't have. Have you ever had a cat lick you on the arm? Their tongue is rough and dry. From here on out, I will refer to #24's condition as "cat-tongue."
I should have stopped right there, but I'm a sex optimist. I wanted to believe that something would save this situation.
Pause: Ladies, find no shame in throwing in the towel when a man can't pleasure you. There is no excuse to not be at least dripping, soaking wet off of some direct stimulation. The idea isn't to hurt his feelings, just to let him know that he doesn't live up to the dream. Keep it real if he starts asking questions. I probably would have saved myself a whole lot of trouble if I wouldn't have tried to save feelings. Lesson learned.
Here's where it gets weird.
I tell him he can hit it. So he hops up, and grabs a condom, puts it on, and puts his little Vienna sausage back in his pants. You heard me correctly. He's now got the condom on.....inside his draws. I'm so confused--I don't know what he wants me to do. Does he want me to take it back out? Am I supposed to lay back and open my legs?
Pause: I understand negative body images. I don't think the highest of myself all of the time, but if we are about to get it in, fuck it. Two sheets to the wind--it no longer matters how attractive or unattractive you are with your clothes off. Let's just do it. #24 was a little chubby at the time. Those who know me best know that's exactly what I like. Communication fail.
All the confusion is turning me off, especially the whole condom on secret, hidden penis shit. I didn't get it, why are you hiding it?
Needless to say, the stroke was pretty terrible too. I have never had sex with no rhythm, and I swear there was music playing. 10 minutes in, he said he got one off and jumped up; I don't think I ever made a sound except maybe a loud exhale because his fat ass insisted on being on top.
He never mentioned sex to me again. Neither did I.
I have been bored during sex, but I think that was definitely number 2 on the list. Oh, you want to hear about the number one terrible time? I guess I have a pretty long list of "oops".
Until the next time...
We all have an oops. You know, that guy or girl who made it past the first cut for no real reason. The one who had nothing to offer but charisma and conversation.
#24 had no real sex appeal but managed to make it past the "Rule of 2." He was immature and got on my last nerves! I blamed it on his age, but still there was something calming about him.
Pause: We all have positive attributes somewhere under there.
But this nigga was terrible in bed! I mean, from top to bottom, from foreplay to climax (his, not mine clearly) he sucked!
You know how when you're getting to know someone intimately, you take some time to learn how to touch them. You try this and that to figure out what they like and don't like. I should've known right then. When a man can't even begin to give a proper back rub or even a proper back scratch, they are going to worthless in bed. Go ahead and test the formula if you need to bump your own head. You'll be disappointed.
So, fast forward past the failure of a back rub. Let's get to the head. Y'all should know by now that I really love oral sex. Giving or receiving, it's my favorite part of sex. So I started to suck his underwhelming penis. Yeah you heard me. I don't judge though, even the little ones can pack a punch if you know what you're doing.
I got a little excited when he was like, "Turn that around and put it on my face." Music to my damn ears. Yes #24, yes I will. I wish that I wouldn't have. Have you ever had a cat lick you on the arm? Their tongue is rough and dry. From here on out, I will refer to #24's condition as "cat-tongue."
I should have stopped right there, but I'm a sex optimist. I wanted to believe that something would save this situation.
Pause: Ladies, find no shame in throwing in the towel when a man can't pleasure you. There is no excuse to not be at least dripping, soaking wet off of some direct stimulation. The idea isn't to hurt his feelings, just to let him know that he doesn't live up to the dream. Keep it real if he starts asking questions. I probably would have saved myself a whole lot of trouble if I wouldn't have tried to save feelings. Lesson learned.
Here's where it gets weird.
I tell him he can hit it. So he hops up, and grabs a condom, puts it on, and puts his little Vienna sausage back in his pants. You heard me correctly. He's now got the condom on.....inside his draws. I'm so confused--I don't know what he wants me to do. Does he want me to take it back out? Am I supposed to lay back and open my legs?
Pause: I understand negative body images. I don't think the highest of myself all of the time, but if we are about to get it in, fuck it. Two sheets to the wind--it no longer matters how attractive or unattractive you are with your clothes off. Let's just do it. #24 was a little chubby at the time. Those who know me best know that's exactly what I like. Communication fail.
All the confusion is turning me off, especially the whole condom on secret, hidden penis shit. I didn't get it, why are you hiding it?
Needless to say, the stroke was pretty terrible too. I have never had sex with no rhythm, and I swear there was music playing. 10 minutes in, he said he got one off and jumped up; I don't think I ever made a sound except maybe a loud exhale because his fat ass insisted on being on top.
He never mentioned sex to me again. Neither did I.
I have been bored during sex, but I think that was definitely number 2 on the list. Oh, you want to hear about the number one terrible time? I guess I have a pretty long list of "oops".
Until the next time...
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