Cutters are people who self-inflict pain to make them feel good. I will call them several things throughout this post: gluttons for pain, chronic bleeders, and, of course, idiots.
I don't mean to disrespect a mental disorder, but I don't understand this. Why would you want to ruin yourself at the hands of yourself? I know that emotions cloud regularly 20/20 vision, but where the hell does your logic go? You want to hurt yourself over and over again? What the hell does that fix? Do you really feel better after you see blood?
I have talked recently about how women (and men) need to stay away from those individuals who are no good for them. The ones that are poison. This post is about the people who see poison and keep sampling as if the poison will one day change to ambrosia.
Pause: I don't believe that people change, the way you are now is the way that you will be (especially if you have hit 30). Situations do, however, change when the people in charge of the situation decide that it's time.
Women have a tendency to do this more often than men. I sat down with Sherlock, and discussed women as a whole as well as some personal situations.
I'll start with a less personal situation.
A friend of mine called me (we'll call her Baby B) and said that she thought her man was cheating on her. She didn't have any concrete evidence, but she just knew.
Pause: I'm not the suspicious type of person. It isn't my style, but I also get these gut instincts. Don't let it go ladies, but don't make a scene about it either. Do some quiet investigations and ask some very clever questions. Men almost always tell on themselves, especially if they don't have a reason to feel threatened. Gestapo-like questioning is going to put anyone on defense. Make him think the ball is still in his court (anything that I say that is geared toward men can also be reciprocated towards females).
So Baby B says to me, I'm going to go through his phone. I AM NEVER AN ADVOCATE OF GOING THROUGH SOMEONE'S PHONE. I have done that once in my life to gather information and regretted it. Why? Because the shit is painful. By the time I get to the point where I feel like I NEED to go through someone's phone, they have usually given me enough doubt that I don't want to be bothered anymore anyways. I do, however, understand the need to know.
So she goes through the phone, and, of course, she finds all of the ammunition that she needed to bust him. Should have been end of story right? Wrong!
Here comes the dumb part. She begins to call the numbers belonging to the women that he's stepping outside of his relationship to see. Fucking glutton for pain. You already have all that you need--you're making it worse on yourself.
#75 is another prime example of a cutter. When I decided to not talk to him anymore, he called me. Not once, not 20 times. He called me for 72 hours straight--around the clock. He filled up my voicemail, and if I didn't have unlimited text messages, I would have been pissed because that's all he did for 2 months. I never answered. I never responded. What the hell! Let it go brother.
Sherlock has an interesting theory about handling problems as they arise. She says give it 72 hours. The first 24 can be dedicated to being sad and wallowing in your own regret. The next 48 are used to make decisions and address the situation. You have to take the time to talk it out with yourself. Once your 72 hours have ended, so have the situation. It's time to move on.
I think this is a good rule of thumb.
I have been lied to by one of the numbers. When the story came out (told by the number himself) I sat on the floor of Sherlock's living room cried and ran through every worst possible scenario. I cut myself over and over. It happens to the best of us.
Pause: This is usually where I would insert a number, but I am only 40 hours into my 72. I haven't finished being hurt by this lie. I haven't come to any decisions. I may need more time than the allotted 72 to make up my mind about how I am going to handle this situation.
I have been writing EVERYTHING down, and, frankly, I'm exhausted.
Since everything is so emotional still, I'm going to wait to tell you this story. But honestly, I can't wait to tell it, numbers and all.
Until, next time.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Size Does Matter..
Yes, I am about to talk about penises, and yes, I'm going to throw some numbers around.
Contrary to the saying, size DOES, in fact, matter. Relax gentlemen, it's not the most important thing in the world, but this is very important. There are some very important things to take into consideration.
If your penis is small:
I like big guys, so I have a tendency to run into this a lot. I'm not tripping, the dudes can still smash some walls down. You have to be cognisant of position, position is everything for the men with innies. You can't just be laying down on top of me with your big ass.
I'm pretty sure we can all agree that it's a man's goal to hit "the back." No worries, you can get there guys with innies, you just have to be a little clever (#68, I want you to pay close attention to this. I'm not trying to put you on blast, I just want you to know that you weren't getting it. You can do better than just pound pound pound. We don't like it when our vaginas are sore and we didn't get ours).
Put our legs on your shoulders, put a pillow under our asses to lift us to the right angle. If you're behind us, make us keep the arch in our back--hold on to our shoulders. Keep us ass up and face down. Be creative. Turn us to the side and keep our legs together. Look at a damn Kama Sutra book for some more ideas.
Last but not least, give great head!
If your penis is too big:
Pause: Yes, there is a such thing as too big, but I'm referring to the men who are swanging and know it.
Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT play javelin with my damn vagina! If you know you could hurt someone with that thing, take it easy, especially the first time (#117 and #49, this is for you). Everyone is different. The last chick you were stabbing may have been used to what you're holding, but the new one isn't. Take your time, take it slow, pay attention to her reaction. You should be having a conversation about sex before and after to see what was/was not enjoyable.
Honestly, a 'too big penis" isn't always the best thing. Some women don't like pain. You have to learn her threshold and how far you can insert tab "A" into slot "B" before it will really become enjoyable for her.
With all that said, if she says "give it to her" fucking give it to her.
If you have a fat one:
Girth, I need girth! (I've always wanted to say that)
So you got a sausage, be aware that you have taken away "angle". You can't try to go from side to side, and up and down. In and out, in and out (unless, of course, she asks for it). It's important for you to pay attention to reaction because you might be hitting all the walls at once.
Remember, the idea is to please her, not hurt her.
If you have a skinny one:
Pencil dick! (I've always wanted to say that too)
Angle is going to be your best friend. All women have a side that they prefer, find it and touch it. Foreplay is also going to be really important for you (you paying attention #33?). You not knocking much down as far as walls are concerned, so you need to make the initial penetration memorable.
Ladies, you have a responsibility as well. Do your job--your goal should be to get him to his "best' each and every time. Do your kegels. Work that vagina.
Over all, make sex more than just sex. make it an experience. Utilize all the senses. I shouldn't just feel the stroke; I should also feel your hands, hear you talking shit, taste you, etc.
Disclaimer: I'm no sex expert, I just know what I like.
Until the next time...
Contrary to the saying, size DOES, in fact, matter. Relax gentlemen, it's not the most important thing in the world, but this is very important. There are some very important things to take into consideration.
If your penis is small:
I like big guys, so I have a tendency to run into this a lot. I'm not tripping, the dudes can still smash some walls down. You have to be cognisant of position, position is everything for the men with innies. You can't just be laying down on top of me with your big ass.
I'm pretty sure we can all agree that it's a man's goal to hit "the back." No worries, you can get there guys with innies, you just have to be a little clever (#68, I want you to pay close attention to this. I'm not trying to put you on blast, I just want you to know that you weren't getting it. You can do better than just pound pound pound. We don't like it when our vaginas are sore and we didn't get ours).
Put our legs on your shoulders, put a pillow under our asses to lift us to the right angle. If you're behind us, make us keep the arch in our back--hold on to our shoulders. Keep us ass up and face down. Be creative. Turn us to the side and keep our legs together. Look at a damn Kama Sutra book for some more ideas.
Last but not least, give great head!
If your penis is too big:
Pause: Yes, there is a such thing as too big, but I'm referring to the men who are swanging and know it.
Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT play javelin with my damn vagina! If you know you could hurt someone with that thing, take it easy, especially the first time (#117 and #49, this is for you). Everyone is different. The last chick you were stabbing may have been used to what you're holding, but the new one isn't. Take your time, take it slow, pay attention to her reaction. You should be having a conversation about sex before and after to see what was/was not enjoyable.
Honestly, a 'too big penis" isn't always the best thing. Some women don't like pain. You have to learn her threshold and how far you can insert tab "A" into slot "B" before it will really become enjoyable for her.
With all that said, if she says "give it to her" fucking give it to her.
If you have a fat one:
Girth, I need girth! (I've always wanted to say that)
So you got a sausage, be aware that you have taken away "angle". You can't try to go from side to side, and up and down. In and out, in and out (unless, of course, she asks for it). It's important for you to pay attention to reaction because you might be hitting all the walls at once.
Remember, the idea is to please her, not hurt her.
If you have a skinny one:
Pencil dick! (I've always wanted to say that too)
Angle is going to be your best friend. All women have a side that they prefer, find it and touch it. Foreplay is also going to be really important for you (you paying attention #33?). You not knocking much down as far as walls are concerned, so you need to make the initial penetration memorable.
Ladies, you have a responsibility as well. Do your job--your goal should be to get him to his "best' each and every time. Do your kegels. Work that vagina.
Over all, make sex more than just sex. make it an experience. Utilize all the senses. I shouldn't just feel the stroke; I should also feel your hands, hear you talking shit, taste you, etc.
Disclaimer: I'm no sex expert, I just know what I like.
Until the next time...
Monday, April 29, 2013
Good Women Attract Good Men..
Since I have started this blog, people constantly feel the need to tell me about myself. The most resounding complaint is that I am always talking shit about the men out here in the world. Yes, I do, but I don't make these things up.
For every 2 men that come up to me and feel like I have gone in on them, I have 11 females high-fiving me telling me how real the shit is that I post here. If you feel a certain type of way about the shit that I post, ask yourself why before you go ham sandwich on me.
Pause: Speaking of ham sandwich (yes, I'm hungry), I recently learned that #75 went all the way in on me and my homie on his FB page because he finally read the post that included him (say what you want about me--leave my friends out of it). He was mad Bro! I don't really care what was said; he's a non-factor in life...period. I say this only to illustrate the fact that if you don't want to get talked about negatively, do better.
I want to specifically address talking negatively about men. There are a lot of "ain't shit niggas" out here. It is what it is. As women, we should not only be able to pick these men out of a lineup, but also deal with them accordingly.
Men, please try to understand that fending off unwanted suitors can be exhausting. We get irritable when men don't approach us the right way, over and over again. Imagine some chick giving you unwanted advances everyday for a month. Everyday you tell her to, "Go blow." And everyday, she comes back for more. On day 30, you might have an attitude and lash out.
This is how we feel--47 could approach us the wrong way. Here comes good guy number 48, and we flip. This is not an excuse by any means, I just want you guys to understand why women come off as so moody at times.
Pause: Men this is partially on you as well. Stop entertaining the ratchets--require them to do better, act better, dress more appropriately, and speak better. You can tell a lot about a female's intelligence in the first 30 seconds of conversation. Stop thinking with your penises for a minute--if she's an idiot, leave her alone. The pussy won't be worth her stupidity. She'll get the hint after a while and step her game up, or she'll lower her standards to get attention. The way she proceeds will speak heavily of her character.
The lesson here is that we have to shake the moodiness. Every guy deserves a shot, at least initially. You can tell when a dude is an asshole because he doesn't know any better, or being an asshole because he's ignorant by choice.
Dudes that are ignorant by choice can be dismissed...immediately.
Hesitate for a second if the man doesn't know any better. He may not have ever had a woman of your caliber. Give him a chance to do better or learn a little bit. By no stretch of the imagination am I saying to become someone's mentor. I won't--I wouldn't tell someone else to do so. Don't be so dismissive though, he could be the man of your dreams.
You bitches walking around with attitudes are giving the normal broads a bad name. You don't have to have a smart-ass comment or remark for everything. Take some things for what they are worth. If someone wants to take you out or buy you a drink, the correct response is, "Thank you" not, "For what?"
Allow the gentleman to be a gentleman--give him a chance. If his motives are shitty, you'll be able to tell by the end of the meal. If his conversation is terrible, you'll know by the overwhelming and awkward amount of silence. The least you can do is trouble yourself for the free meal. You'll know by the end of the date if he is someone you would want to go out with again.
If he isn't someone you would like to see again, don't go hard on him for not living up to your standards--just tell him you won't be going out with him again. We're not out here to hurt feelings (of course there are exceptions to this rule). Why do we have such a problem being honest? Leading men on is a thing of the past. Who has time for the games and such?
Pause: I am a stickler for the truth; if he asks me to be honest and blunt, I will be.
The stereotype says that men are supposed to be hunters, strong, strong-willed, and very importantly unemotional. This is so far from the truth ladies. They need us, even when they don't realize they need us.
Be supportive--let him explore things, try new things, be creative without being reprimanded.
Be compassionate--don't allow his bad day to take over. Talk to him about it and listen.
Be interested--take him seriously. Offer another viewpoint but don't always be the devil's advocate.
Be encouraging--let him know you're thinking about him and tell him how great he is (I think this and my next point are the most important. Whoever it is that we are dating need to know that we think they are great--tell them so regularly, if not daily. Men need to feel proud, and nothing makes them prouder to know their woman thinks they're awesome).
Be sexy--sometimes words will defy the moment. If you can't talk about it, throw him some ass. It may not make the situation any better, but it WILL remove some of the tension so that you two can continue to co-exist on the earth together.
I tell you all the time that I don't give advice. This is not advice; these are observations I have made from relationships that seem work. I certainly wouldn't take relationship advice from a broad that's been single for 5+ years.
#75's FB post about me was absolutely false and anger driven, but he did make one important point. I am over 30. While I don't think dating chronically over 30 is a crime, at a certain age you have to approach dating differently. I won't tolerate a juvenile, a mental juvenile. I'm not all the way put together, I can't allow someone to tear me apart.
To address #75 directly: You blasting me on FB was bitch-made. Grow a set. Comment on the blog or approach me directly. Get a real girlfriend, not an imaginary one and tell her to come see me if you're too scared. That's the type of shit that got you blogged about in the first place. Man the fuck up!
For every 2 men that come up to me and feel like I have gone in on them, I have 11 females high-fiving me telling me how real the shit is that I post here. If you feel a certain type of way about the shit that I post, ask yourself why before you go ham sandwich on me.
Pause: Speaking of ham sandwich (yes, I'm hungry), I recently learned that #75 went all the way in on me and my homie on his FB page because he finally read the post that included him (say what you want about me--leave my friends out of it). He was mad Bro! I don't really care what was said; he's a non-factor in life...period. I say this only to illustrate the fact that if you don't want to get talked about negatively, do better.
I want to specifically address talking negatively about men. There are a lot of "ain't shit niggas" out here. It is what it is. As women, we should not only be able to pick these men out of a lineup, but also deal with them accordingly.
Men, please try to understand that fending off unwanted suitors can be exhausting. We get irritable when men don't approach us the right way, over and over again. Imagine some chick giving you unwanted advances everyday for a month. Everyday you tell her to, "Go blow." And everyday, she comes back for more. On day 30, you might have an attitude and lash out.
This is how we feel--47 could approach us the wrong way. Here comes good guy number 48, and we flip. This is not an excuse by any means, I just want you guys to understand why women come off as so moody at times.
Pause: Men this is partially on you as well. Stop entertaining the ratchets--require them to do better, act better, dress more appropriately, and speak better. You can tell a lot about a female's intelligence in the first 30 seconds of conversation. Stop thinking with your penises for a minute--if she's an idiot, leave her alone. The pussy won't be worth her stupidity. She'll get the hint after a while and step her game up, or she'll lower her standards to get attention. The way she proceeds will speak heavily of her character.
The lesson here is that we have to shake the moodiness. Every guy deserves a shot, at least initially. You can tell when a dude is an asshole because he doesn't know any better, or being an asshole because he's ignorant by choice.
Dudes that are ignorant by choice can be dismissed...immediately.
Hesitate for a second if the man doesn't know any better. He may not have ever had a woman of your caliber. Give him a chance to do better or learn a little bit. By no stretch of the imagination am I saying to become someone's mentor. I won't--I wouldn't tell someone else to do so. Don't be so dismissive though, he could be the man of your dreams.
You bitches walking around with attitudes are giving the normal broads a bad name. You don't have to have a smart-ass comment or remark for everything. Take some things for what they are worth. If someone wants to take you out or buy you a drink, the correct response is, "Thank you" not, "For what?"
Allow the gentleman to be a gentleman--give him a chance. If his motives are shitty, you'll be able to tell by the end of the meal. If his conversation is terrible, you'll know by the overwhelming and awkward amount of silence. The least you can do is trouble yourself for the free meal. You'll know by the end of the date if he is someone you would want to go out with again.
If he isn't someone you would like to see again, don't go hard on him for not living up to your standards--just tell him you won't be going out with him again. We're not out here to hurt feelings (of course there are exceptions to this rule). Why do we have such a problem being honest? Leading men on is a thing of the past. Who has time for the games and such?
Pause: I am a stickler for the truth; if he asks me to be honest and blunt, I will be.
The stereotype says that men are supposed to be hunters, strong, strong-willed, and very importantly unemotional. This is so far from the truth ladies. They need us, even when they don't realize they need us.
Be supportive--let him explore things, try new things, be creative without being reprimanded.
Be compassionate--don't allow his bad day to take over. Talk to him about it and listen.
Be interested--take him seriously. Offer another viewpoint but don't always be the devil's advocate.
Be encouraging--let him know you're thinking about him and tell him how great he is (I think this and my next point are the most important. Whoever it is that we are dating need to know that we think they are great--tell them so regularly, if not daily. Men need to feel proud, and nothing makes them prouder to know their woman thinks they're awesome).
Be sexy--sometimes words will defy the moment. If you can't talk about it, throw him some ass. It may not make the situation any better, but it WILL remove some of the tension so that you two can continue to co-exist on the earth together.
I tell you all the time that I don't give advice. This is not advice; these are observations I have made from relationships that seem work. I certainly wouldn't take relationship advice from a broad that's been single for 5
#75's FB post about me was absolutely false and anger driven, but he did make one important point. I am over 30. While I don't think dating chronically over 30 is a crime, at a certain age you have to approach dating differently. I won't tolerate a juvenile, a mental juvenile. I'm not all the way put together, I can't allow someone to tear me apart.
To address #75 directly: You blasting me on FB was bitch-made. Grow a set. Comment on the blog or approach me directly. Get a real girlfriend, not an imaginary one and tell her to come see me if you're too scared. That's the type of shit that got you blogged about in the first place. Man the fuck up!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Poison..
Why do we do it to ourselves ladies (and gentlemen for that matter)?
Why do we set ourselves up to get hurt? To fall for the okie doke? To be bamboozled, hoodwinked, and flat out fooled?
Why do we even fall for these silly men (and women)?
Pause: I don't want this post to sound like the angry black woman in me venting about how there are no good men in the world. I, myself, have run into some great ones. This post is about the wrong ones that we can't seem to leave alone.
Love is a complex emotion to say the least. I'm going to try to leave love out of this equation that I'm about to create for two reason:
1. Love has to run it's course (we decide how long the course is).
2. Someone who loves another person cannot be reasoned with and I'm not about to try.
But as far as these crushes are concerned, y'all hoes better start listening. Some of these men are all wrong.
Let's start with men in other relationships.
I won't be so judgemental to say that anyone fucking with a man with a woman already is an idiot, but C'MON LADIES! It's true, he may be unhappy. It's true, he may be working on getting himself together to get away from her. It's TRUE, he may actually want to be with you instead of her. Don't, however, sell yourself short. Make being single a requirement, and then (and most importantly) leave his ass alone. Tell him that when he is single, then you can start talking. Watch his reaction, see what he does next.
If he beats his feet to get away from her and be with you without any interference, then give it a shot. If he sticks around with her and just tries to convince you to help him be a cheater, karma will get your ass. I'm a firm believer in the way you get him, is the way you lose him.
Men in jail.
Why does this even have to be a fucking topic? Everybody who is in a relationship with a man in jail raise your hand. Now smack yourself with that same damn hand. Unless you went to jail to keep me out of jail, you are officially off the squad permanently.
Men who are in jail or just got out have spent the last few months making sure they had some pussy when they got out. You might be the top draft pick, you're probably not though. Chances are you are one in a half dozen.
Advice (and I don't give much of it): Don't let him move in. It will be a disaster.
Men who won't commit.
It's unfortunate, but this takes time to figure out. I'm not one to put a time limit on things like this, but you have to put the feelers out early if you think you're dealing with a commitment phobe. Make a plan, make a plan a month or two ahead of time and see if he can agree to it. Commitment phobes will have a problem making a solid plan this far in advance.
Within 60 days of meeting someone and spending time together, you should know if it's someone you could maybe possibly be with in the future. He should know this as well. If you're bold enough, just ask. Commitment phobes won't be able to answer this, in fact, it probably hasn't even crossed their minds. If you think you have them on the right track, ask them about a relationship after about 6 months. Watch him fucking squirm. Trust me, I've seen it.
Men who can't/won't seal the deal.
I am not a shy person. I rarely have trouble approaching someone to whom I am attracted, and if I do, I have some awesome, drunken friends who will approach him for me. I do, on most occasions though, allow someone to come to me. It's not hard to let him know that I'm interested--a smile will do.
Pause: I'm not one to toot my own horn, but *toot toot*. I have a really awesome smile.
I feel that if I smile at someone, and he doesn't approach me, he's either gay, got a girlfriend, or (wait for it....) not that fucking into me.
He might not be that into to you either. Pay attention to the signs, and even more importantly move on. If he wants you, he'll shoot his shot.
Men who aren't good in bed a.k.a. failures at life.
Raise your hand if you have a partner that's terrible in bed no matter that amount of encouragement and effort you put forth. Keep your hand up if you stay with the nigga even though you don't have a ring telling you that you have to. All the broads with their hand still up, smack the shit out of yourself!
Moving on!
Men who won't love you back.
This one is hard. I said I would keep love and feelings out of this as much as possible. We always want to believe that the one that we care about will come around, see how awesome we are, and love us back.
A pair of lips will tell you anything, actions truly speak. If he loves you back, words won't be needed at times (even though they are nice, kind of like how titles are nice). Look for the definition of how he feels in actions. If he loves you, he might tell you, but he will definitely show you.
Pay attention ladies (and gentlemen)! One of the hardest things that you will ever have to tell yourself is, "He's just not that into me." But the liberation that follows is exhilarating, and you open yourself up to something much better out here in the world.
Keep your glass half full.
Until the next time...
Why do we set ourselves up to get hurt? To fall for the okie doke? To be bamboozled, hoodwinked, and flat out fooled?
Why do we even fall for these silly men (and women)?
Pause: I don't want this post to sound like the angry black woman in me venting about how there are no good men in the world. I, myself, have run into some great ones. This post is about the wrong ones that we can't seem to leave alone.
Love is a complex emotion to say the least. I'm going to try to leave love out of this equation that I'm about to create for two reason:
1. Love has to run it's course (we decide how long the course is).
2. Someone who loves another person cannot be reasoned with and I'm not about to try.
But as far as these crushes are concerned, y'all hoes better start listening. Some of these men are all wrong.
Let's start with men in other relationships.
I won't be so judgemental to say that anyone fucking with a man with a woman already is an idiot, but C'MON LADIES! It's true, he may be unhappy. It's true, he may be working on getting himself together to get away from her. It's TRUE, he may actually want to be with you instead of her. Don't, however, sell yourself short. Make being single a requirement, and then (and most importantly) leave his ass alone. Tell him that when he is single, then you can start talking. Watch his reaction, see what he does next.
If he beats his feet to get away from her and be with you without any interference, then give it a shot. If he sticks around with her and just tries to convince you to help him be a cheater, karma will get your ass. I'm a firm believer in the way you get him, is the way you lose him.
Men in jail.
Why does this even have to be a fucking topic? Everybody who is in a relationship with a man in jail raise your hand. Now smack yourself with that same damn hand. Unless you went to jail to keep me out of jail, you are officially off the squad permanently.
Men who are in jail or just got out have spent the last few months making sure they had some pussy when they got out. You might be the top draft pick, you're probably not though. Chances are you are one in a half dozen.
Advice (and I don't give much of it): Don't let him move in. It will be a disaster.
Men who won't commit.
It's unfortunate, but this takes time to figure out. I'm not one to put a time limit on things like this, but you have to put the feelers out early if you think you're dealing with a commitment phobe. Make a plan, make a plan a month or two ahead of time and see if he can agree to it. Commitment phobes will have a problem making a solid plan this far in advance.
Within 60 days of meeting someone and spending time together, you should know if it's someone you could maybe possibly be with in the future. He should know this as well. If you're bold enough, just ask. Commitment phobes won't be able to answer this, in fact, it probably hasn't even crossed their minds. If you think you have them on the right track, ask them about a relationship after about 6 months. Watch him fucking squirm. Trust me, I've seen it.
Men who can't/won't seal the deal.
I am not a shy person. I rarely have trouble approaching someone to whom I am attracted, and if I do, I have some awesome, drunken friends who will approach him for me. I do, on most occasions though, allow someone to come to me. It's not hard to let him know that I'm interested--a smile will do.
Pause: I'm not one to toot my own horn, but *toot toot*. I have a really awesome smile.
I feel that if I smile at someone, and he doesn't approach me, he's either gay, got a girlfriend, or (wait for it....) not that fucking into me.
He might not be that into to you either. Pay attention to the signs, and even more importantly move on. If he wants you, he'll shoot his shot.
Men who aren't good in bed a.k.a. failures at life.
Raise your hand if you have a partner that's terrible in bed no matter that amount of encouragement and effort you put forth. Keep your hand up if you stay with the nigga even though you don't have a ring telling you that you have to. All the broads with their hand still up, smack the shit out of yourself!
Moving on!
Men who won't love you back.
This one is hard. I said I would keep love and feelings out of this as much as possible. We always want to believe that the one that we care about will come around, see how awesome we are, and love us back.
A pair of lips will tell you anything, actions truly speak. If he loves you back, words won't be needed at times (even though they are nice, kind of like how titles are nice). Look for the definition of how he feels in actions. If he loves you, he might tell you, but he will definitely show you.
Pay attention ladies (and gentlemen)! One of the hardest things that you will ever have to tell yourself is, "He's just not that into me." But the liberation that follows is exhilarating, and you open yourself up to something much better out here in the world.
Keep your glass half full.
Until the next time...
Thursday, April 18, 2013
30 years old and kidnapped..
Internet dating has been a fun ride for me. I can't say that I would suggest it; it requires more patience than I can afford lately. It is, however, a great conversation piece.
So I got on the website called Plenty of Fish. The premise behind the website is that their are plenty of fish in your area. I'm still on there if anyone would like to look me up. I probably won't date you though.
Pause: I didn't get on the site strictly for blog material. I got on their to get a date. This was right after my elimination of the Starting Five. I was well aware of what I was getting myself into, though (I thought).
Within mere hours of posting a few pictures of myself and a simple profile, my inbox was boasting more than 50 messages. It was overwhelming--in a bad way.
Men are aggressive in person, they are down-right raunchy over the internet. I have had more offers for dick from ugly people in 2 weeks than I did the majority of my adulthood. Men are sickening sometimes. I don't want to call them thirsty, but the if the fucking shoe fits.
Geesh!
I mean, I know I'm cute but DAMN! People go about this internet dating profile creation all wrong. It's basically an advertisement.
First and foremost, all of y'all are NOT going to get a shot. If you don't speak good English, I'm not interested. If you are younger than 30, I'm not interested. If you are shorter than me, I'm not interested. If you send me a one word greeting--ugh! Nigga, I don't know you--you better talk! If I look at your profile and say nothing to you, OBVIOUSLY I want nothing to do with you. Don't send me another message asking why I never said anything, clearly you're ugly. If you beg me for conversation, I will never converse.
If you don't have a profile picture, I'm not even going to respond to you. If you have any of the following words in your screen name, "Swag" "thug" "dick" "long and hung" or "killa" I will not talk to you. If you are in the pictures with other females, COME ON MAN! If you have your kids in the picture, you have made me officially unhorny.
Niggas, you know if you are ugly. You know it! Take a better picture. If you are fat, take a better picture. If you are super black, turn on the flash in your picture.
Don't lie about your height, I will eventually find out. Don't lie about your age, my homie Sherlock will find out. Don't lie about your current relationship status, I don't want her calling me.
Do not try to kidnap me!
Oh wait, let me explain that one.
I didn't have a car all damn winter. I got on POF sometime in January to pass the time away. I was used to sites where you would talk to someone for days and weeks before you decided to meet. I imagined that POF was the same.
For those who are curious, it is not! People will want to see you that night to have drinks with you hours after the first message. I'm not complaining, it's just the way that it is.
I don't have a problem meeting new people out, in public and well lit places. Sure, we can have drinks or dinner or something if you would like. The problem was I couldn't drive. So I wasn't meeting anyone out anywhere if I couldn't drive myself. I like to be in control of my arrival and departure.
But number #103 wore me down. He didn't rush me. He was content just talking or texting. He was charming, inviting, conversational, and most importantly persistent, not pushy. Very persistent. He assured me that we would have a good time when we went out.
He said that he could cook.
Pause: Those who know me best know the best way to get to me is through my damn stomach. I love food, and home cooked is always the best. Don't tell me that you can cook unless you want me to test you out, and I will test you out.
So then, this supposed first date was suddenly moving to his apartment......where he lived alone......him and them damn fish.
I protested and of course voiced my concern. A couple more weeks of persistent pleading and reassurance, he finally wore me down. He tricked me. He said that he was going to make me some lightly fried chicken in a garlic and caper wine sauce, some feta mashed potatoes, skillet corn and an apple cinnamon drop cake.
Fuck yeah, I'm in.
So I did what any normal woman would do. I took a picture of his license plate and sent it to my friend along with his address in case something went down.
We drove to his place, he cooked. Actually, it was really sweet, because we made it together. He gets points for that (no worries, he loses them all real quick).
We sat down to watch a movie together. I started to doze just like I always do when the movie starts. I was sitting on the corner of the couch, trying not to get too comfortable. He started tugging on me asking me to lay on him. Bro, I don't know you like that.
It was officially time to go home, and I told him as such.
He told me that I could wear one of his t-shirts and spend the night. Bro, I don't know you like that.
He said that we could cuddle up, and he would cook me breakfast in the morning.
Pause: Now, I won't lie to y'all, I paused and considered the whole breakfast thing.
Ultimately, Brah Brah, I don't know you like that. I picked up my phone to begin to text the big niggas that I know my current location. All currently accumulated points were gone.
He took me home, safe and sound. I didn't go on another online "date" after that though. I'm still on POF though. Boy, have I got some stories for y'all.
Until next time.
So I got on the website called Plenty of Fish. The premise behind the website is that their are plenty of fish in your area. I'm still on there if anyone would like to look me up. I probably won't date you though.
Pause: I didn't get on the site strictly for blog material. I got on their to get a date. This was right after my elimination of the Starting Five. I was well aware of what I was getting myself into, though (I thought).
Within mere hours of posting a few pictures of myself and a simple profile, my inbox was boasting more than 50 messages. It was overwhelming--in a bad way.
Men are aggressive in person, they are down-right raunchy over the internet. I have had more offers for dick from ugly people in 2 weeks than I did the majority of my adulthood. Men are sickening sometimes. I don't want to call them thirsty, but the if the fucking shoe fits.
Geesh!
I mean, I know I'm cute but DAMN! People go about this internet dating profile creation all wrong. It's basically an advertisement.
First and foremost, all of y'all are NOT going to get a shot. If you don't speak good English, I'm not interested. If you are younger than 30, I'm not interested. If you are shorter than me, I'm not interested. If you send me a one word greeting--ugh! Nigga, I don't know you--you better talk! If I look at your profile and say nothing to you, OBVIOUSLY I want nothing to do with you. Don't send me another message asking why I never said anything, clearly you're ugly. If you beg me for conversation, I will never converse.
If you don't have a profile picture, I'm not even going to respond to you. If you have any of the following words in your screen name, "Swag" "thug" "dick" "long and hung" or "killa" I will not talk to you. If you are in the pictures with other females, COME ON MAN! If you have your kids in the picture, you have made me officially unhorny.
Niggas, you know if you are ugly. You know it! Take a better picture. If you are fat, take a better picture. If you are super black, turn on the flash in your picture.
Don't lie about your height, I will eventually find out. Don't lie about your age, my homie Sherlock will find out. Don't lie about your current relationship status, I don't want her calling me.
Do not try to kidnap me!
Oh wait, let me explain that one.
I didn't have a car all damn winter. I got on POF sometime in January to pass the time away. I was used to sites where you would talk to someone for days and weeks before you decided to meet. I imagined that POF was the same.
For those who are curious, it is not! People will want to see you that night to have drinks with you hours after the first message. I'm not complaining, it's just the way that it is.
I don't have a problem meeting new people out, in public and well lit places. Sure, we can have drinks or dinner or something if you would like. The problem was I couldn't drive. So I wasn't meeting anyone out anywhere if I couldn't drive myself. I like to be in control of my arrival and departure.
But number #103 wore me down. He didn't rush me. He was content just talking or texting. He was charming, inviting, conversational, and most importantly persistent, not pushy. Very persistent. He assured me that we would have a good time when we went out.
He said that he could cook.
Pause: Those who know me best know the best way to get to me is through my damn stomach. I love food, and home cooked is always the best. Don't tell me that you can cook unless you want me to test you out, and I will test you out.
So then, this supposed first date was suddenly moving to his apartment......where he lived alone......him and them damn fish.
I protested and of course voiced my concern. A couple more weeks of persistent pleading and reassurance, he finally wore me down. He tricked me. He said that he was going to make me some lightly fried chicken in a garlic and caper wine sauce, some feta mashed potatoes, skillet corn and an apple cinnamon drop cake.
Fuck yeah, I'm in.
So I did what any normal woman would do. I took a picture of his license plate and sent it to my friend along with his address in case something went down.
We drove to his place, he cooked. Actually, it was really sweet, because we made it together. He gets points for that (no worries, he loses them all real quick).
We sat down to watch a movie together. I started to doze just like I always do when the movie starts. I was sitting on the corner of the couch, trying not to get too comfortable. He started tugging on me asking me to lay on him. Bro, I don't know you like that.
It was officially time to go home, and I told him as such.
He told me that I could wear one of his t-shirts and spend the night. Bro, I don't know you like that.
He said that we could cuddle up, and he would cook me breakfast in the morning.
Pause: Now, I won't lie to y'all, I paused and considered the whole breakfast thing.
Ultimately, Brah Brah, I don't know you like that. I picked up my phone to begin to text the big niggas that I know my current location. All currently accumulated points were gone.
He took me home, safe and sound. I didn't go on another online "date" after that though. I'm still on POF though. Boy, have I got some stories for y'all.
Until next time.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Dating with kids III: The New Woman..
I am a grown ass woman, and in some ways, very old fashioned. I believe that children are children and adults are adults. Short of putting my hands on someone else's child, I believe that children should be watched and disciplined if necessary. If my kids are out in public and misbehaving, I would expect someone to say something to them, and, at bare minimum, say something to me about what happened. It takes a village to raise a child.
Keep all that in mind.
I also come from a time (or maybe just a long drawn out relationship) where the new woman never liked the old one. The hate was automatic.
In hindsight, I think it was a way of posturing. Letting the old woman know, "I am here now! I am his woman now! I am breaking news, and you are the yesterday's sales ads!" I blame mass media and the times for this. Movies like Love and Basketball, Love Jones, The Wood, and even further back like Boomerang depicted black women in such a jealous light. We were angry when a man left us and even angrier at the next woman for getting him.
Let's shed the fucking script, and really live life. Grow up ladies. Do you even still want him?
The last woman should be your associate and the new woman should be your friend. I, of course, have been both.
When #29 and I got together (nearly 11 damn years ago). I was the new woman. #29 had a son, #29's son had a brother, I was very adamant about him getting his child. So, of course, that meant that we would have to deal with the other baby momma (Code Name: Mighty Mouse).
Pause: Sorry if your code name isn't clever enough. You know I don't give a fuck though.
Mighty Mouse used to drive #29 crazy, and I thought that I was being a good woman if she drove me crazy as well. Stand by your man, right? I don't blame her for the way we interacted at first--I blame #29 for being so manipulative and me for being so gullible.
We had it rough We made it rough in the beginning. There were so many snide and rude comments in the beginning, we couldn't even handle being in the same room with each other.
Pause: I used to be kind of wild and uncontrollable. Shocker, I know. My mouth was RECKLESS and my filter had been broken since I was about 17.
I didn't hold back with this cute little white chick of whom I was jealous without any good reason (yeah, she's white, I think that REALLY pissed me off at the time). We put our hands on each other, naw, fa real. Knock down drag out fight in front of my damn apartment.
Some time later, the epiphany happened. What was I really angry about? And then after #29 and I split, I realized she was in the same boat as I was--single mom trying to do the best she could for her sons.
Advice (and I don't give much of it): As single women, we HAVE to stick together. Make a big dinner and invite one of your single friends and her kids over. Have slumber parties for all of y'all. Keep the kids so the other mom can go out on a date, get drunk, get her guts beat in, or just be alone for a night. Share a bottle of wine and some laughs. This is how we survive. This is how we keep siblings together. Men will be shitty at times; WE have to do better.
The sweetest revenge was when I invited Mighty Mouse and her kids to my daughter's birthday party without the knowledge or consent of #29. I didn't care if he was mad, they should have been at the top of the list as far as I was concerned. Ahhhhhh, to see his mouth hit the floor. You can't see it right now, but I'm smiling at the mere thought.
You'll be happy to know that Mighty Mouse and I are cool now. *Insert collective "awwwe" here*
So now that #29 and I have split. I am the old woman. I have not EVER met anyone that he has been dating. It never seemed necessary to be honest. I mean, who is he dating that is actually going to stick around? Was that mean? Y'all have to know I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.
So flip to the other side and fast forward a decade.
I usually don't like to meet other's kids, but here I am, the new woman again. Over the past weekend, I met.......hmmmm, I guess I should assign him a number. Over the past weekend, I met #117's son, and he met mine.
Pause: This was a really big deal even though I tried to play like it wasn't.
Let me just say that I have no problem with the old woman--I have grown. If our children are going to grow up together, then it's important that I know you, talk to you, be able to discuss issues, and know exactly where to find you if I need to whoop your ass.
If I am dating your ex If I am in a relationship with your ex and y'all have kids, then we now a village. We are on the same damn team. Being adults and able to communicate is a requirement, and being cordial is a necessity. WE ARE RAISING CHILDREN. That is the most important thing, and our adult antics can be left out of it.
Now, back to reality. First, #117 and I aren't nearly to that point. We're still fumbling around together trying to figure each other out.
Furthermore, women will be women--jealous and emotional. The moral is just don't be ratchet. Understand that football games and birthday parties may be a part of our permanence. Make the best of it. I refuse to live my life angry with others for no reason anymore. Don't make me smack the shit out of you for trying to steal my joy.
Until next time.
Keep all that in mind.
I also come from a time (or maybe just a long drawn out relationship) where the new woman never liked the old one. The hate was automatic.
In hindsight, I think it was a way of posturing. Letting the old woman know, "I am here now! I am his woman now! I am breaking news, and you are the yesterday's sales ads!" I blame mass media and the times for this. Movies like Love and Basketball, Love Jones, The Wood, and even further back like Boomerang depicted black women in such a jealous light. We were angry when a man left us and even angrier at the next woman for getting him.
Let's shed the fucking script, and really live life. Grow up ladies. Do you even still want him?
The last woman should be your associate and the new woman should be your friend. I, of course, have been both.
When #29 and I got together (nearly 11 damn years ago). I was the new woman. #29 had a son, #29's son had a brother, I was very adamant about him getting his child. So, of course, that meant that we would have to deal with the other baby momma (Code Name: Mighty Mouse).
Pause: Sorry if your code name isn't clever enough. You know I don't give a fuck though.
Mighty Mouse used to drive #29 crazy, and I thought that I was being a good woman if she drove me crazy as well. Stand by your man, right? I don't blame her for the way we interacted at first--I blame #29 for being so manipulative and me for being so gullible.
Pause: I used to be kind of wild and uncontrollable. Shocker, I know. My mouth was RECKLESS and my filter had been broken since I was about 17.
I didn't hold back with this cute little white chick of whom I was jealous without any good reason (yeah, she's white, I think that REALLY pissed me off at the time). We put our hands on each other, naw, fa real. Knock down drag out fight in front of my damn apartment.
Some time later, the epiphany happened. What was I really angry about? And then after #29 and I split, I realized she was in the same boat as I was--single mom trying to do the best she could for her sons.
Advice (and I don't give much of it): As single women, we HAVE to stick together. Make a big dinner and invite one of your single friends and her kids over. Have slumber parties for all of y'all. Keep the kids so the other mom can go out on a date, get drunk, get her guts beat in, or just be alone for a night. Share a bottle of wine and some laughs. This is how we survive. This is how we keep siblings together. Men will be shitty at times; WE have to do better.
The sweetest revenge was when I invited Mighty Mouse and her kids to my daughter's birthday party without the knowledge or consent of #29. I didn't care if he was mad, they should have been at the top of the list as far as I was concerned. Ahhhhhh, to see his mouth hit the floor. You can't see it right now, but I'm smiling at the mere thought.
You'll be happy to know that Mighty Mouse and I are cool now. *Insert collective "awwwe" here*
So now that #29 and I have split. I am the old woman. I have not EVER met anyone that he has been dating. It never seemed necessary to be honest. I mean, who is he dating that is actually going to stick around? Was that mean? Y'all have to know I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.
So flip to the other side and fast forward a decade.
I usually don't like to meet other's kids, but here I am, the new woman again. Over the past weekend, I met.......hmmmm, I guess I should assign him a number. Over the past weekend, I met #117's son, and he met mine.
Pause: This was a really big deal even though I tried to play like it wasn't.
Let me just say that I have no problem with the old woman--I have grown. If our children are going to grow up together, then it's important that I know you, talk to you, be able to discuss issues, and know exactly where to find you if I need to whoop your ass.
Now, back to reality. First, #117 and I aren't nearly to that point. We're still fumbling around together trying to figure each other out.
Furthermore, women will be women--jealous and emotional. The moral is just don't be ratchet. Understand that football games and birthday parties may be a part of our permanence. Make the best of it. I refuse to live my life angry with others for no reason anymore. Don't make me smack the shit out of you for trying to steal my joy.
Until next time.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Girl on girl action..
This blog post comes from a conversation that I had with another female. She asked me if I would consider myself bisexual.
I started this blog because I wanted to prove that the situations that I go through are not uncommon. I wanted you guys to laugh. I want to be unafraid and unashamed.
Here goes nothing.
This is the story about #101--my first female conquest.
Pause: I am not about to make this pornographic. So to all of my male readers, put the lotion away and get your hands out of your pants.
I think women are attractive--beautiful even. While a committed relationship with a woman doesn't appeal to me, a woman's body does.
Pause: Women are emotional creatures by nature. I can't even stand my own damn emotions half the time. I sure as hell don't want some other emotional ass broad trying to be with me.
I have seen women that I want to touch or maybe just let my imagination run circles around some of my well kept fantasies. I'm not shy about telling a woman that she's attractive; I have not, however, mastered the art of approaching a woman for the sake of getting to know her like I would a man. Well, I'm not even sure that I would want to master that art.
Pause: Ok, so I guess you're wondering what type of woman I think is beautiful. I'm so stereotypical--I like ass and titties (probably because I don't have those things). I like shape, a pretty face and beautiful skin. I am NOT attracted to women that look like fucking men. If I wanted something to look like a man, then I would get a damn man. I don't understand lesbians. I have my own psychological theories on it that I won't get into right now.
#101 was totally the aggressor in the situation. She's someone that I have known for a while, been attracted to for a while, but left alone. My gaydar for men is impeccable, I have trouble seeing if a woman has lesbian tendencies though. I don't like to sleep with anyone inside of my "circle". You know what I'm talking about. The common circle of friends that you have that know all the business and tell it to the rest of the people in the circle if they don't know. This was not something that I wanted to be told.
For our own discretion the agreement was that no one was supposed to know about it. It would be a buddy situation--equal beneficiary.
For those who don't know: Female "intercourse" is the equivalent of having a "BOB" at playing with yourself, only you get to kiss someone else. Don't let me down-play it--it definitely has it's moments, but ultimately, just like after my intimate moments with BOB, I still want some dick. There is no comparison or substitute to being touched, teased and thrown around by a man.
So fast forward past all the intimate details of our encounter. She told. Not only did she tell, but she told someone inside of the circle. This is why I reserved about this happening in the first place--this is almost why I didn't do it again. Buuuuuuut I did.
Pause: For those who are curious about what actually happened on the bathroom floor that afternoon, yes, she licked my vagina. Yes, I reciprocated, and to be honest with you, I have had my vagina licked enough to say with confidence that I could probably do it better than your man. Don't test me though, I still get nervous.
I have only been with that woman. There's safety in the number 1 sometimes.
I started this blog post by saying that I had another female ask me if I was bisexual. I can say with all the conviction in my heart, no. I could find the man of my dreams tomorrow and never think about another female like that.
It's just a fun game to play inside of my singality.
I started this blog because I wanted to prove that the situations that I go through are not uncommon. I wanted you guys to laugh. I want to be unafraid and unashamed.
Here goes nothing.
This is the story about #101--my first female conquest.
Pause: I am not about to make this pornographic. So to all of my male readers, put the lotion away and get your hands out of your pants.
I think women are attractive--beautiful even. While a committed relationship with a woman doesn't appeal to me, a woman's body does.
Pause: Women are emotional creatures by nature. I can't even stand my own damn emotions half the time. I sure as hell don't want some other emotional ass broad trying to be with me.
I have seen women that I want to touch or maybe just let my imagination run circles around some of my well kept fantasies. I'm not shy about telling a woman that she's attractive; I have not, however, mastered the art of approaching a woman for the sake of getting to know her like I would a man. Well, I'm not even sure that I would want to master that art.
Pause: Ok, so I guess you're wondering what type of woman I think is beautiful. I'm so stereotypical--I like ass and titties (probably because I don't have those things). I like shape, a pretty face and beautiful skin. I am NOT attracted to women that look like fucking men. If I wanted something to look like a man, then I would get a damn man. I don't understand lesbians. I have my own psychological theories on it that I won't get into right now.
#101 was totally the aggressor in the situation. She's someone that I have known for a while, been attracted to for a while, but left alone. My gaydar for men is impeccable, I have trouble seeing if a woman has lesbian tendencies though. I don't like to sleep with anyone inside of my "circle". You know what I'm talking about. The common circle of friends that you have that know all the business and tell it to the rest of the people in the circle if they don't know. This was not something that I wanted to be told.
For our own discretion the agreement was that no one was supposed to know about it. It would be a buddy situation--equal beneficiary.
For those who don't know: Female "intercourse" is the equivalent of having a "BOB" at playing with yourself, only you get to kiss someone else. Don't let me down-play it--it definitely has it's moments, but ultimately, just like after my intimate moments with BOB, I still want some dick. There is no comparison or substitute to being touched, teased and thrown around by a man.
So fast forward past all the intimate details of our encounter. She told. Not only did she tell, but she told someone inside of the circle. This is why I reserved about this happening in the first place--this is almost why I didn't do it again. Buuuuuuut I did.
Pause: For those who are curious about what actually happened on the bathroom floor that afternoon, yes, she licked my vagina. Yes, I reciprocated, and to be honest with you, I have had my vagina licked enough to say with confidence that I could probably do it better than your man. Don't test me though, I still get nervous.
I have only been with that woman. There's safety in the number 1 sometimes.
I started this blog post by saying that I had another female ask me if I was bisexual. I can say with all the conviction in my heart, no. I could find the man of my dreams tomorrow and never think about another female like that.
It's just a fun game to play inside of my singality.
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