Let me get some vitals on this patient..

I feel like I should give you some background information, (Shout out in my next blog to the person that can remember the teacher in 8th grade at Frank Ohl Middle School who wouldn't let you say "like" or "um" in his class) there's a reason that I am the way that I am today.  There's a reason for everything. 

For as long as I can remember, until recently, I haven't really been single. 

I don't like being single!! It's stressful!! I have to look good ALL the time, because that one time I leave the house in sweat pants and an extra large t-shirt (probably originally belonging to a guy), the man of my dreams will pass me by because I look like a tattered, brown gremlin.  I have to smile a lot.  I have to be friendly.  I have to be charming.  It's all an act guys--I'm an asshole.  No, really.......ask my friends.  Many of my relationships end if they really believe that I'm always nice and pretty everywhere I go.  Ugh no...

But there have always been men who liked the fact that I have a smart mouth, they call me a challenge (true).  So, it's worked.  Since the beginning.  I can remember being nine when I had my first "boyfriend."  We kissed, behind a big tree, with a witness, for 5 seconds, no tongue.  That was enough for me.  I mean, that's how it works at nine right?  He was my boyfriend. 

Pause:  In honor of football season and in order to keep identities hidden, I am going to use numbers for these gentlemen.  I'm not asking any of their permission, so I won't use names.  They know who they are though. 

I don't remember anything else about #1, not his name, how old he was, what he looked like, or who the witness was.  He was the first.  I retired, kissing boys was too much for me at nine. 

I don't know about you, but I wasn't allowed to date.  I couldn't mention the term, "boyfriend" around my mother without getting the look.  I was about 16 before I stopped flinching--but I always had a boyfriend.  When I didn't have a BF, I would have plenty to choose from.  So I would choose, make the other ones go away, and stick with one.  Not so stressful that way.  Never really learned how to be single.  Never really had to BE single.  But I was just a kid anyways. 

At 19 I found someone, and stayed in a seven year relationship with him.  I FIRMLY believe that you learn how to date between the ages of 20 and 25.  I clearly missed the boat.  I am a great flirt, though.  That's pretty much all I could do in all my GOOD dating years.

So back to my original point, this is the reason that I am the way that I am.  Blame it on #29--I'll talk more about him later.  I hope you're keeping track of the numbers. 

For the longest time I thought I wanted someone to tell me how to date.  I read book after book of that "keep a man" crap.  Crock of shit--let me tell ya!

Then I thought I just didn't want to date at all.  Fail. 

I began to look at life a little differently and decided to go back and learn the lessons I skipped.  People go back to college all the time.  I use their favorite line, "I'm too old for this shit!" 

Not to mention awkward. 

You ever watch a baby exploring?  Genuine curiosity.  I am so envious of that, so that's the feeling that I try to achieve.  I like to look at it like that so I don't feel so unfortunate at 30.  It's a crock, I know.  I'm really just out here stumbling around like a fat drunk chick in high heels.

Story time next?  I think so.     

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