Sex requirements..
Special post (in light of recent events).
I despise giving out current information about myself. The last thing that I need is a reader taking something off of the "Janel cheat sheet" and using it against me. It can be dangerous for all parties involved. For some topics, however, I will make an exception. Let's get dangerous (in my Dark Wing Duck voice).
I do not like "cookie cutter" sex, vanilla sex if you will.
Pause: I'm not a freak, at least I won't claim it. But I do like sex to be exciting, I have a lot of energy to burn.
Let's go over some basic requirements:
Hair: I expect it to be pulled! Ok, so it sound a little freaky, but a little pain and pleasure go hand in hand. Some girls like to be whipped, flogged, choked, and some enjoy a little smacking, and I am down for all of that too. The hair must be pulled though.
Head: It's 2012, and people still aren't giving head out there! Step your game up! If you aren't willing to put your face in it, don't bother ripping the condom open. Furthermore, when you get down there, take your time. Don't rush. Act like you love it. Put your face in it. Make me believe that it's the best thing you ever tasted. Don't lick it, eat it.
Kissing: Ok, this one is a little more complicated. I don't kiss everyone--I have gone as far as sleeping with someone and NEVER kissing them. Don't get me wrong; I like to kiss. It's an enjoyable past time--not always necessary in the bedroom though. It is, however, very necessary that you kiss other parts of my body. I'm not picky, start where ever you like.
Positions: *rubs hands together* I always get asked what my favorite position is. My response is always, "All of them!" With that said, every dude is NOT going to be successful in every position. you know your limits and what you're working with down there. Don't try to be all acrobatic if you're not strong enough to hold me up (immediate dismissal if you drop me, I only weigh about 135). I firmly believe that size doesn't matter; it's what you do with your size that matters. For example, #75 was........ummm........well-equipped shall we say, and he still fell victim to the "Rule of 2".
Pause: I don't know if I have mentioned the "Rule of 2" before so let me explain it now. When I decide to have sex with a guy, I have sex with him twice before I decide if I am going to continue to sleep with him or leave him alone. This is a good number because if you have a bad performance, it gives you the opportunity to redeem yourself. If you were awesome and earth-shattering, I want to make sure it wasn't a fluke, and we can get an encore. I admit the standards are kind of high, but boring sex will NOT be tolerated.
Communication: I tried to make this sound all technical and intimate, but basically I like to talk a little dirty, especially during the act. I do expect you to tell me what you like so I have a starting point. There has to be some kind of noise--moan, scream, talk, or whisper for all I care. Just do something so I know that, you're enjoying yourself.
Aftermath: After all of this fuckery (literally), I should be panting, sweating, shaking, crying, picking up the stuff we knocked over, holding my stomach, cleaning up a mess, not moving, and unable to form a sentence (maybe not all, but half? Is that too much to ask?). If I don't have to shower to get the sweat off, re-do my hair, remake the bed, or wash the sheets--YOU HAVE FAILED! The only exception to his is a deliberate quickie (notice the operative word there).
Conclusion: For the most part, I'm not interested in making love--that comes with the feeling itself. I want my back to hurt, I want that feeling at the base of my spine when I think about you later (ladies know what I'm talking about).
Special noet to the young and eager (I like 'em kind of eager): Be ready! You taking notes #77, because I know you're reading.
I know my conversation and language can get a bit offensive. My purpose here is to tell it like it is. Let's not for a second pretend that we aren't adults and that this isn't the way adults behave out there in the world. It may not be your life--but this is life in general. Those who know me best know that I can be very candid, and I am not know for holding my tongue. My goal when I started this blog was to connect on a real level--a best friend level--with my readers, and I know that I have because they tell me so. This, my friends, is real.
My life, my blog.
I despise giving out current information about myself. The last thing that I need is a reader taking something off of the "Janel cheat sheet" and using it against me. It can be dangerous for all parties involved. For some topics, however, I will make an exception. Let's get dangerous (in my Dark Wing Duck voice).
I do not like "cookie cutter" sex, vanilla sex if you will.
Pause: I'm not a freak, at least I won't claim it. But I do like sex to be exciting, I have a lot of energy to burn.
Let's go over some basic requirements:
Hair: I expect it to be pulled! Ok, so it sound a little freaky, but a little pain and pleasure go hand in hand. Some girls like to be whipped, flogged, choked, and some enjoy a little smacking, and I am down for all of that too. The hair must be pulled though.
Head: It's 2012, and people still aren't giving head out there! Step your game up! If you aren't willing to put your face in it, don't bother ripping the condom open. Furthermore, when you get down there, take your time. Don't rush. Act like you love it. Put your face in it. Make me believe that it's the best thing you ever tasted. Don't lick it, eat it.
Kissing: Ok, this one is a little more complicated. I don't kiss everyone--I have gone as far as sleeping with someone and NEVER kissing them. Don't get me wrong; I like to kiss. It's an enjoyable past time--not always necessary in the bedroom though. It is, however, very necessary that you kiss other parts of my body. I'm not picky, start where ever you like.
Positions: *rubs hands together* I always get asked what my favorite position is. My response is always, "All of them!" With that said, every dude is NOT going to be successful in every position. you know your limits and what you're working with down there. Don't try to be all acrobatic if you're not strong enough to hold me up (immediate dismissal if you drop me, I only weigh about 135). I firmly believe that size doesn't matter; it's what you do with your size that matters. For example, #75 was........ummm........well-equipped shall we say, and he still fell victim to the "Rule of 2".
Pause: I don't know if I have mentioned the "Rule of 2" before so let me explain it now. When I decide to have sex with a guy, I have sex with him twice before I decide if I am going to continue to sleep with him or leave him alone. This is a good number because if you have a bad performance, it gives you the opportunity to redeem yourself. If you were awesome and earth-shattering, I want to make sure it wasn't a fluke, and we can get an encore. I admit the standards are kind of high, but boring sex will NOT be tolerated.
Communication: I tried to make this sound all technical and intimate, but basically I like to talk a little dirty, especially during the act. I do expect you to tell me what you like so I have a starting point. There has to be some kind of noise--moan, scream, talk, or whisper for all I care. Just do something so I know that, you're enjoying yourself.
Aftermath: After all of this fuckery (literally), I should be panting, sweating, shaking, crying, picking up the stuff we knocked over, holding my stomach, cleaning up a mess, not moving, and unable to form a sentence (maybe not all, but half? Is that too much to ask?). If I don't have to shower to get the sweat off, re-do my hair, remake the bed, or wash the sheets--YOU HAVE FAILED! The only exception to his is a deliberate quickie (notice the operative word there).
Conclusion: For the most part, I'm not interested in making love--that comes with the feeling itself. I want my back to hurt, I want that feeling at the base of my spine when I think about you later (ladies know what I'm talking about).
Special noet to the young and eager (I like 'em kind of eager): Be ready! You taking notes #77, because I know you're reading.
I know my conversation and language can get a bit offensive. My purpose here is to tell it like it is. Let's not for a second pretend that we aren't adults and that this isn't the way adults behave out there in the world. It may not be your life--but this is life in general. Those who know me best know that I can be very candid, and I am not know for holding my tongue. My goal when I started this blog was to connect on a real level--a best friend level--with my readers, and I know that I have because they tell me so. This, my friends, is real.
My life, my blog.
Thanks for "makin it plain"...refreshing and a damn good read.
ReplyDeleteA blue eyed fan