Dating with Kids IV: Pause and Reflect

So since my last blazing failure at relationship-ness, I've been doing some serious reflecting (as anyone should after a break up to assess what really went wrong). I keep finding myself looking at how this past episode affected my kids more than it did me.


This isn't my first rodeo, and I do nothing but fall to get back up. I'll get more into the story later, but I allowed #193 to be a big part of my life. Alter it a little if you will. I did what I thought I was supposed to do in a relationship. #193 knew that my kids and I came as a package deal. Our relationship wasn't going to be "just between us". I was ready for something long term--something permanent. So when #193 left, he not only left me, but my kids as well.


This was what I was most afraid of when I got into the relationship: it ending. But it did.


Now my daughter took it with a grain of salt. She is so much like me that I'm actually afraid for the world when she grows up. She's smart, funny, goofy, the life of the party, and way cuter than me. My son on the other hand...


Pause: Let me give you a little background information. My son is now 11 years old. His father has never really been a part of his life, definitely not a part of mine. When my daughter's dad decided that he no longer wanted to be a part of my life, my son acted out. That WAS his dad too. Since then, I am really leary about every man that I bring into my kids' lives. They not only have to be good for me, but good for them too. That's the package.


My son was a little bummed when #193 left. That was his only "guy" comrad. It was the first testerone that my son had in a house with him since he was about 6. #193 was really good about making my son feel.....included. It was nice while it lasted. My son took it like a champ. And then I started thinking about what the type of relationship that I wanted going forward, and the type of qualities I wanted to include and exclude.


Pause: This is a natural part of breaking up with someone. If you date someone who only eats processed food, and that was a serious breaking point for you, then the next time around, you find someone who doesn't eat like that. Be careful not to be petty when doing this. Every trait isn't the problem, sometimes people are just fucked up.


I started thinking about the relationship that I wanted my kids to witness me having because I know that they have to be tired of watching me cry in relationships all the time. I know I'm tired of doing all the crying. Then I started thinking about what my son has witnessed so far.


My son has:
witnessed someone punch me in the face
never heard a man tell me that he loves me
never saw a man be affectionate with me
never seen an episode of black love in person
witnessed more arguments than I can count
saw me hurt and cry over someone
witnessed someone leave us
watched doors slam more than they open (I'm sure there's more)


I was astounded at how damaging my relationships are to my children. No wonder he's never happy when my friends walk in the door. Them leaving is all he can remember. Me dating isn't helping anything. I'm so busy trying to find the right father figure, that I forgot the ones who fail fall into another category--the same one as his dad. Just another nigga that isn't there.


Pause: I don't give dating advice, because who would take advice from someone who fails at dating as often as I do.


Moral: Be careful about dating with children. These are the patterns that our children try to emulate. I have more self-reflection to do. Until next time....

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